Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Where does it all start?

I've been wondering where exactly does this wonderful (can't you just feel the sarcasm dripping on that word) journey of infertility actually start?

Is it when you are 13 years old and go on the pill because you have such awful period pain - did this cause my infertility?
Is it because you were so careless with your pill taking over the years and often skipped periods - was this the cause?
Is it because I was so careful not to get pregnant that I never allowed myself a break from the pill in the whole 16 years I was on it - surely this is it?
Is it because I used super tampons too early - mum did tell me to only use them after I had a baby?
Is it because I waited for Mr Right to go off the pill - maybe?
Is it hereditary - mum hates hearing me say this, but is it?
Is it because I am too old - 30 certainly doesn't feel too old?
Is it just that I am unlucky - ?
Am I too unhealthy - ?
Too skinny - ?
Do I not deserve to be a mother because my whole life I didn't want kids - ?
Is everything else in my life too good so I don't deserve this - ?
Do/did I drink too much - ?
Party too hard - ?
Eat too much processed food - ?
Too much sugar - ?
Too much fat - ?
Not be nice enough enough to my friends or family?
Kill that innocent mosquito one day 10 years ago?
Aliens abducted me and decided I shouldn't reproduce - Ok I know I'm going a little mad?

But realistically, this list is just never ending... These are things I have been asking myself on a daily basis over the last 2 years of my battle with infertility, and you know what each day I am CERTAIN that it's one of them, or perhaps something I haven't even listed here?

Or maybe I just can't come to grips with the fact that there is no reason, and unfortunately I just don't work properly. 

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